I am with my daily newspaper near the poolside, just to inhale some fresh air. I look around and it seems that spring is back with all its beautiful colors. Weather is pleasant. And aha… my favorite chipmunk who occasionally roams around in the building is there too. The beautiful colors, fresh air and not even the chipmunk could hold me for long and I am back in my room.
It is a bit uncomfortable situation, when you and your bare thoughts are alone!! You don’t have that “mute” option to stop the volume of the thoughts. Both conspire in their own way leading to the place unfamiliar and uncharted. You argue with your own thoughts and it is always a win –win situation as it is either you win or your thoughts. But I kind of like such situations where I am just “me”: the best, good, bad and the worst of me all together; free from all pretensions.
I am not sure whether I want to write this, as my thoughts are still in conflict with my heart and ‘me’. No, I never want to sound so negative! Suddenly the spring colors are losing the sheen, world appear to be transacting and nothing else, though no radioactive radiations are around but the freshness is also not there, suffering and devastation is all I can see.
I fondly remember one of our friend’s son asking his favorite riddle every time we meet him: “the biggest pān (or Paan: betel leaf which is generally chewed) which nobody can eat?”
And he would then proudly answer Japan!
Now I wonder whether he can still ask this question when tsunami and earthquake have already engulfed the third most powerful economy of the world and when nuclear disaster is almost feared.
My thoughts are asking me, “Have you shed a single tear on those thousands of innocent deaths? You even cry when things don't work for you...”
I can’t lie. I answered: No!
Thoughts are playing rapid fire round with me ,“you seem to look busy preparing your weekend plan”.
I said, “Yes”.
My thoughts are back with a bang, “So nothing has changed for you?” and now I shrug and try to answer: No, it is not like that. I am worried about them.
Thoughts in action mode pose another question: “you look relaxed and think privileged that your family, friends and relatives are safe and so you do feel sympathy but not empathy.” Now I am in no situation to answer and I hate my thoughts when they ask such questions. I tried to overrule them by giving all possible explanations.
I want to give a pause to all such thoughts. I start reading the newspaper and find disturbing news. No one cares about real emotions. Doubt if Libyan Arab Jamahiriya as the name suggests is the state of masses. Don’t know if anybody cares about the civilians: Col. Gaddafi or European/ US and Arab forces marching towards Libya? Saudi Arabia is supporting the Sunni ruled Bahrain. On the another hand, Iran’s interest is adding fuel to fire to Shiite revolution ; which is nothing new as they have done it in Iraq and Afghanistan. So the nations are in rat race of grabbing the power and the emotions of the common masses are ruthlessly buried!
Somehow today my thoughts don’t want to leave me, but I want to; just like parents don’t want to leave their kids but they want to when grew older.
Now this one is real bouncer from my thoughts, “Haven’t you start losing emotions? Do you still feel the same way? Do you laugh at the jokes as you used to? Have you not become self centered? Nothing affects you so much”.
It was a real bummer. I feared to say, “Yes”. I speak to myself that I am becoming more like a computer. I could hear the inner voice which is shrieking on full volume and which I want to ignore, “not just computer but Watson!” as it only knows to win, though can’t feel anything.
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